What We Dwell On Is Who We Become

Everyone has role models and people they desire to be like, but in this case it’s different. For  me, my role model is someone in my life who taught me that I had no intentions of being like him. He taught me this by his actions towards me and everyone else around. This “someone” is my father. By my father being absent he has taught me to never be absent in my family’s, friends, or even future kids’ lives. Kids have a hole in their soul in the shape of their dad. If a father is unwilling or unable to fill that hole, it can leave a wound that is not easily healed.

     My father had a lot of issues that he couldn’t quite control. No matter how old I get, the hole in my heart created by my father’s absence still aches. A daughter needs a dad to be the standard against which she will judge all men. When I was Growing up, his temper taught me that I can stick up for myself. My father not being around showed me respect towards my mom. My father was in and out of prison my whole life but when he was around it was never enjoyable. At times it’s hard not having someone to teach you things a father should teach you. I get through it by thinking, “Why would I contact or feel sorry for someone who had absolutely no sympathy or interest in me or anyone else?”

     One day he’ll be alone and regret not being there. He’ll regret the birthdays and holidays he missed. He’ll regret not watching me grow up and not being in my life. He’ll regret everything, and by then it’ll be too late. I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop  missing someone; you just learn to live around the big gaping hole of their absence. 

     He used to say things like, “I regret having you” or, “You’re gonna turn out to be just like me.” Well, these things are the only things keeping me from ending up like him. The things he would say to me are the reason I wake up after a rough night and I fight. I don’t stop fighting because if I do, I will fulfill his legacy. The things he would say to me are the reason I am who I am today. Yeah, I’m not perfect but I try and that’s more than my father has ever done. Having a child and becoming a father is different from actually being a father. See, I have a father but he doesn’t act like one. Therefore, it is easier to become a father than to be one. He is the prime example of that. I don’t hold a grudge because he showed me who I knew I didn’t want to be. 

     We are often let down by the most trusted people and loved by the most unexpected ones. Some make us cry for things we haven’t done, while others ignore our faults and just see our smile. Some leave us when we need them the most, while some stay with us even when we ask them to leave. The world is a mixture of people. After all, that’s life, learning to hold on and learning when to let go. My father showed me who to be like and who not to be like. I know who I am now because I know who he was.  

Staff Writer, Lexie Miller